My daughter Lucia is 14. She is vibrant, funny, deeply intuitive and fiercely herself. She also lives with autism, global developmental delay (which means her communication, cognition and physical development progress is at a slower pace), and a profile called PDA, Pathological Demand Avoidance.
With PDA, it’s not defiance. It’s a nervous system in high alert, wired for safety, constantly scanning for threat. Even the most routine request “put your shoes on”, “let’s go out” can feel unbearable.
Lucia was pre-verbal until the age of 10, and even now, when she’s dysregulated, she shuts down completely, no words, no eye contact. Her body does the talking instead. She’ll scream, bang her head, bite herself, or grab others.
These are not bad behaviours. They are signs of a nervous system overwhelmed. And for many years, just stepping out into the world, transitioning from one activity to another, leaving the house, even the noise of the street, could send her into that state.
Living in Fight or Flight
For a long time, I didn’t realise how much my nervous system was impacted. I was a yoga teacher, I had tools. But I was also Lucia’s mum, her primary carer.
And the truth is, I was living in a near constant state of fight or flight. My breath was shallow, my jaw tight, my heart racing. My whole body bracing for the next outburst, the next meltdown, the next moment we might have to turn around and go back home.
I thought I was failing. But I was simply dysregulated too.
Discovering Special Yoga
Then 10 years ago everything changed when I found Special Yoga and began training with Jyoti Manuel. I am now a Special yoga senior practitioner and teach on their teacher training courses.
Special yoga isn’t just about learning how to support neurodivergent children, it’s about understanding how we, the adults, must begin with our own regulation first.
Yes, we practise yoga poses. But more importantly, we learn how to meet our own fear, how to reconnect to compassion, how to settle our own nervous systems, so we could become steady enough to co-regulate with the children we care for. It was the first time I felt seen, held, and understood. And it shifted everything.
What Is Co-Regulation, Really?
Co-regulation is the science of how our nervous systems communicate.
When a child is dysregulated, the presence of a regulated adult can quite literally help guide their system back to safety, not by saying the right thing, but through body language, tone of voice, breath and energy.
It’s not about fixing or calming them down. It’s about being with them, offering steadiness through our own state. Our nervous systems “speak” to each other through something called neuroception, the subconscious detection of safety or threat.
This is why no strategy or script works when a child is in full dysregulation. What works is presence. Stillness. Soft breath. A calm body they can tether to, allowing them to feel safe.
The Breath That Changed Everything
One of the most powerful tools I use with Lucia, with other families, and with every client I work with, is a simple practice called Coherent Breathing.
It’s a gentle, science-backed way of balancing the autonomic nervous system. By slowing the breath to a steady rhythm, we help signal to the body: you are safe.
Here’s a rhythm I often use:
Inhale for 2, exhale (repeart 2)
Inhale for 3, exhale for 3 (repeat x3)
Inhale for 4, exhale for 4 (repeat x4)
Inhale for 4, exhale for 5 (repear x 5)
No need to deepen the breath — just soften it. Let it flow.
I practise this daily. I teach it in my sessions , workshops and on the Special Yoga Teacher Training, where we explore co-regulation not just as a concept, but as a lived, embodied practice.
This Work Is Sacred
Parenting Lucia has been the most profound invitation of my life, not to change her, but to meet her exactly where she is.
And in order to do that, I had to learn how to meet myself.
Special Yoga gave me the tools, the understanding, and the community to do just that.
Through breath, rhythm, sound and self-compassion, I’ve discovered that regulation starts with me and that my nervous system can become a bridge back to safety, for Lucia and for so many others.
If this resonates with you — whether you’re a parent, carer, teacher or therapist — I’d love to stay connected.
I’ll be sharing more practices, stories, and details of my autumn workshops, 1:1 sessions, courses and retreat days via my monthly newsletter.
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